F R E E F A L L

Wed, 21 May 2008 14:05:19 GMT

I like to think I'm smarter than I look.

The day before the last of my finals...

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:34:29 GMT

*dances to Whitney Houston's How Will I Know*

Don't wanna grow up

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 03:57:10 GMT

I don't want to look ahead -- don't know what I'm gonna see. I'd rather pretend nothing's there in the first place. A void, blank canvas where I can paint my own path, carve my own future and whatever happens, happens. Nothing's to be expected; no one would feel disappointed

Too afraid of failure that I'm not willing to achieve anything.

Sucky feeling.

Acting/Being Myself

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 03:11:41 GMT

I get strangely amused with behaving sloppily and I-don't-give-a-damn attitude on the bus. I'd sit there with my legs hanging off whatever. My hands stuffing food into my mouth like there's no tomorrow. My hair wind-blown and surely looking like I'd been struck by lightning ten times over. Headphones in my ears and grinning and mumbling song lyrics like a retard.

Total fun.

Stares are total fun too. LOL. 'Cause all that's going through my head is I'm lucky I don't care about what other people think of me when they see me. Especially since I won't ever see them again.

Looking like such the aforementioned slob is of course, after my encounter with my gorgeous crush, in which I am (try to be) a hair's width short of perfect =)

Moment in Time

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 19:02:50 GMT

It's just one of those days where the world can explode in the next three seconds, and I'm really too unreasonably giddy to give a damn. =)

Must've been the McDonald's that I ate for the first time today since FOREVER! (ie. a month) <33

Or the fact that I passed my Calc test. Muahahha.

Wardrobe and Others

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 05:11:40 GMT

I dumped out another 25% of my wardrobe today (it filled 1 garbage bag). In the past year, I must have thrown out 3 garbage bags worth of clothes. Most of them don't fit anymore and are out of style. Well, my style at least. No more printed tees, faded jeans, and baggy pants back when I listened to rap =P

The best part is restocking my wardrobe. Which, as you can imagine, takes on a whole new style now that I've moved on to listening more of classical music, haha. Bought my first business style jacket today which made me feel so grown up! Paired it with an old & simple white skirt I found at the back of my closet, and a white dress shirt, and I dare say I looked pretty hot =)

Lost 3 pounds since last journal entry. Wohoo.

Gained 2. Bleh.

And spent the last 14 hours doing &@(#-ing calculus.

shushy thoughts

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 22:32:37 GMT

The ground was really slushy today, the stairs all covered in brown, half-melted snow and murky puddles and patches of ice all around... And yet I walked aimlessly, carelessly, lazily in the bitterbitter cold. Hair flying in all directions, nose and ears far past a subtle rosy pink. My favourite jeans all soaked... I just felt so... blank. So empty inside. Like I didn't care if I slipped on the ice and came falling down twenty steps of concrete and dirty snow. Didn't care if anyone was looking at me. My tangled hair and long bags under my eyes. Face looking like I hadn't really woken up yet and it was already late afternoon. I've also gained a few pounds these past few days, which is not very self-esteem-ing when you're trying out a new diet plan. Not to mention school is totally fucking me over and everyone around me seems to be doing so much better. It's hard to say you admire someone when you're also dually out-of-your-mind jealous of them. And then I get fears of being a hobo in the future. Gahh... if I smoked, this would be a good time for one.

you'd think you'd learn by now

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 05:50:07 GMT

how to pick up the pieces around you, rearrange them one by one in their proper places. certain faces. making sure not to disturb them, accidently slide them from their spot just because you hate it when everything's in order and perfect. and yet you've never actually tasted perfection yourself.

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 03:22:55 GMT

AHHHhhhhhhhhhhhghhhhh. school drives me bonkers.

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 05:06:36 GMT

the higher the expectations, the greater you fall. everyone knows that. everyone warns you of that. but what do you when your whole purpose, your whole drive, and everyone's depending on you not to fall. what do you do when you have no where to go but up? when each step you take up the ladder disappears underneath your feet? one slip, one move backward and you're finished. you're done and youre gone and theres no where to go. no one to catch you. no one to pull you. you gotta pull yourself. you gotta push yourself.

and yourself is an awfully lonely word. painful and lonely and its so much easier, so tempting to let go. fall that great height. fall somewhere nowhere whereever. its so much easier to jump into the unknown, instead of climbing a long, meticulously planned path...

its so much easier to say "i quit", "i give up", "....i never wanted it anyway...."
to withdraw from a battle, rather than be defeated.

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 04:41:21 GMT

sometimes, you just want to give up.
*sigh*
you know you have issues when you start envying dead people.
the same argument spinnin round and round in your head
and you dont really care whose listening
youve passed that stage a long time ago
some things just need to be put down in writing
so you can stand back and look at it.
stare at it.
because the words that are written down,
must surely make more sense than the ones in your head.
life passes by so quickly
sometimes i just wish itd slow down.